Thunder in the Mountains is only two weeks away! I am excited! I plan to have a good time! Although any time away from work, away from responsibilities, seeing new and old friends is a very good thing! Thunder is especially fun as it combines vacation, and relaxation with kink. My kind of fun. Last year was my first year going. It was planned for as to the time off for work, who I was going with, where we were staying, tickets etc. We went early and visited friends in Denver prior to the event. No scenes planned. I did some, they were very fun, I do like the unplanned,spontaneous scenes the best and I had a great time. Met some new people, hung out with old friends, saw some really great scenes, played, shopped and just relaxed and enjoyed the event. This year, I only have one, maybe two and a possible third planned. But, I am planning on bringing many implements so there is a possibility for many more! Hopefully I will get the chance to do more. I have been topping more, but usually in private. I am wanting to do more in public. My confidence has always been the issue with doing more in public. Time to get over that! I am going with Tutivillus. We are bringing many implements. We will be meeting Alygirl and Jujubees there. Many others are also attending that I am looking forward to seeing. I am also missing a little bit of play. Job responsibilities and Tutivillus being out of commission for surgery has put a little playtime on hold. I miss playing. We had a few people over for a last minute get together last night. It was fun, I think we need to do that more often! There is a play party next week end that I am planning for, it will involve some needles, and some sounds and some sensory play. I will go into more detail once it is done! For now, I am just going to make note of the many ideas for pictures and such that have started swirling around here since finding the secret room under the house…… yes, planning is in order!
I finally got my new stick! I like it. It is shiny. Fits in my hand really well, I think it wants to be used. I want to use it! I am quickly wanting to hurt people more than I want to be hurt. I started out in this journey of mine wanting to be hurt, knowing that someday I would want to hurt people, but just not comfortable with doing that very much. I hadn’t experienced much of the sensations. Tingly, thuddy, stingy and sharp. Sensations that when applied make you slightly gasp as to the softness of the unexpected. The heavy whaling of a hard instrument upon your body. Force behind it, coming to a complete stop when it hits soft, unyielding flesh. Time and time again the implement pounds the same spot. Capillaries break, skin tingles. Nerve endings become inflamed. Your skin and muscles burn, yelling for this invasion to stop. Endorphins grabbing their armor, swords and little helmets to rush off to swarm your bloodstream with pain stopping, gooeyness. The gooeyness, that is the feeling that is desired for most who stand on the receiving end of a flogger, a whip or any other implement of choice. Each implement has their own type if sensation. Which is the favored one? That, to me is like choosing which kind of ice cream to have on a lazy, warm summer afternoon. Personal choices and a flavor of the mood. Me, I like the impact play best. Fists, hands, floggers, sticks, whips and some types of canes. The thuddy implements. With a few whips that produce stingy sensations for variety. Each one produces different end results. The thuddy will take me to other places. Pathworking perhaps. The stingy whips, catharsis. This is not a normal reaction to whips. I listened to a class last year at Thunder in the Mountains, it was on cathartic floggings. I enjoyed the class, an excellent instructor. I agreed with all except the inability to achieve catharsis with a whip. I spoke with Juju later about this. I had heard him a little wrong. The statement was actually stated that it was difficult to achieve catharsis with whips. The catharsis is achieved with rhythmic steady beatings. Difficult with a whip.That is a better statement. Just as in life, there are no true yes/no’s in most things. Maybe for me, the catharsis is from the doing what I have always thought I couldn’t do. I remember as a child watching slave movies, people being whipped. Fascinated, thinking I would never be able to endure that. How are they still fighting back. I was able to find a few pictures of S/M type variety. Difficult in an age before the internet, and highly religious upbringing, but still a few were found, that had whips and men chained to crosses and walls with strong burly men wielding said whips. I did not understand why these images fascinated me. When caught by others, I would make comments of how strange and not understanding why these people would subject themselves to this. Yet, I wanted to be there. To watch, to see, to question the men as to why they allowed this. I wanted to know what it felt like to be in control of such beautiful leather whips. Feel the leather warming and conforming to my hands. Letting the thong slide close by your ear, feeling the short burrst of air whisper by. Watching the falls cascade down towards the bare muscular back of a strong yet submissive slave. The popper slapping and stinging the skin, marring the smooth virgin skin with cuts, flashes of red streaks. Making a beautiful impression on a blank canvas. Artwork in skin and blood.
Impact is a favorite ice cream on a very hot, summer day. Wonderful happy memories, floaty and carefree. Whips are an occasional treat. Not a frequent desire, but a desire nonetheless. A very cathartic, strong, put me in a very self positive and good place. A banana split.
Yes, I still like the pain. Feed the desire. I just am getting to want to give it out a lot more. Feel the whisper of the whip by my ear. Feed a different desire.
Turn the switch.
I celebrated Pride. A nice sunny warm day, a lot of fun and happy people. Yes, a good time, a good day! It is a happy occasion. Full of acceptance, love, and joy. Bringing many people together for a common cause. Pride. Pride in who you are. Pride in self.
But one thing still remains a mystery to me: Where in some peoples own self worth does the pride in oneself become nothing. They are building their foundation that is made up of lies, deceit and hateful behaviors. Where did the be true to oneself,and owning up to your own actions and doings become not important. Does lying and making up stories to make oneself feel and look better to others over time and multiple tellings, slowly become real in their mind? Or does simply hatred at being called on your doings and unwillingness to accept your own faults cause the loss of your own self pride?
I am having a very difficult time understanding this. People will sometimes do things they regret, may realize they are not acting stellar. Mistakes, who doesn’t do them. As for me, I am a big girl, I can handle whatever lies, deceit and false truths are thrown at me. But when you involve innocent children and cause needless pain and suffering to satisfy your hatred, that is where I lose any and all respect I might have had for you.
As much respect that I don’t have for you, I don’t wish anyone harm. In fact, I wish you well. I just wish harder that you might have enough pride in yourself to be a better person to the innocent involved, the children, and think of them first.
Round two of the big guns. Sunday I went back to the self medication, the phentermine. The return of tiredness, the decreasing effect of the concentration. The return of the “electrical feel” zapping the brain. And the mood changes. I felt like I was losing emotions. I could not take the Stratterra any more. I tried. I really really tried. Round two starts tomorrow. Amphetamines. I work in healthcare, I see the problems of people who do amphetamines. My physician couldn’t answer me when I asked if people with ADHD, when the body needs it, do the drugs not have as many heart and stroke problems when it is needed rather than abused? He either couldn’t or wouldn’t answer that. Blood pressures, heart rate and such are monitored. I will get to know my physician really well. I get to see him every month for a while then every three months as long as I take this medication. I am not good with commitments! Every three months, really! My insurance dictates whether I can have this drug. They decide if I have suffered enough with trying everything first. I had to do tests and evaluations. When did insurance companies become better physicians than the ones who actually are looking at the patient, seeing the symptoms, and attended medical school. I won’t get into that one! They required a tier med start. Before the Stratterra could be prescribed, I had to try an anti depressant. Wellbutrin. I tolerated that for three months. I liked it from week three to month two. Five weeks of effectiveness. Then weirdness. I felt very anxious and disjointed. I stopped taking it and felt better. Then trial two, the Stratterra. Now…. we will see what happens. Me vs the pills! Could be a scene! I need to plan a scene!
Yes, that is what I need to focus on! Plans!
And, my stick. I have a special order beating stick that should be done soon. I will post pics when it is done and in my hands! Yes, on to planning the beatings!