Monthly Archives: July 2011

Life’s addictions

Posted on by jouvarti
4

I have been in the medical field for more years than I care to acknowledge. I went into school two weeks after graduating from high school and have been practicing (maybe one day I will get it right and stop just practicing?) ever since. I have pretty much grown up watching people in some stage of illness, trauma, emergency or various other life altering events. I meet most people on the worst days of their lives. I have worked in many areas over the years, moving to another department or area for a change of scenery or “type of prevalent catastrophe” as I call it. I have heard that sometimes change is almost as good as a vacation. I guess that means I average a “vacation” every 4-5 years! I have been able to stay sane, somewhat non judgemental as to others downfall health-wise, by changing specialties this way. The judgemental part comes from watching people have serious to fatal health issues and traumas from their own choices in life. Alcohol, drugs, and smoking are the most widely known, although obesity is gaining and surpassing all of these at great speeds. {My own opinion and observation, not actual facts from any study!} The two areas I have spent the past 15 years alternating back and forth have been the cardiac and the trauma/medical ICU’s. The most draining on your emotions and wearing you down part of these areas to me are: Cardiac- High level of death and disability from something that is a lot not preventable. Diet, lifestyle and such are ways to decrease this, but most of the risk factors are not changeable nor preventable. This can be difficult at times to understand the whys. The medical/surgical and trauma area- High death and disabilities from what is either bad choices and decisions and many times just so random. The complete randomness of some illnesses and trauma that people have to endure is very difficult. How people can still carry on a semblance of normalcy in these times are amazing to me. Many things in both areas are preventable and “Darwinism” type stuff. While hard still, it is a different type of emotional toll when it is someone who made choices that led to this. It is still a very sad and emotional thing, but just a different sadness. Some anger as to why someone would do this to themselves and others is present. Different anger in all circumstances. A random thing happens, you have anger at the event, or the other person who was at fault in an accident causing your loved ones trauma or death. A situation that involves bad choices by your loved one? The anger is directed at them and their choices. Blame and sadness are intermingled with the anger. A bubbling of all the emotions and where to put them, how to make sense of it all, what does the mind do to keep the love and the hope and the good things about the relationship from being clouded and overrun by the negativity, the anger and the disappointment.
I am good at what I do in this profession. The profession is known for “eating their young” and not being very nice to new people coming in. I have always tried to not do this and try to help new people to succeed and learn good skills and techniques. I may need them to take care of me- I am not the best driver, unless best equals fast! I have some not great family history. I have not led the most healthy of lifestyles for a large part of my life. It is inevitable as we all age. I might need their services! But even if you are good at what you do, the emotional toll does get to you. Thus the changing areas.
As much of changing areas will change the basic element, there is one type of patient that is common to both areas. Drug and alcohol impairment, abuse and overdose. Drug overdoses, traumas from drug/alcohol impairment, organ failure from the continued use of the drugs and or alcohol. Heart damage and infection causing heart failure, valve failure and severe infection from the repeated use of, different types of drugs and the dirty equipment used. This past week there was much talk of the “27 club” with Amy Winehouse’s death. I have a hard time with drug overdoses. It is such a waste of life. With how many deaths I see, the overdoses are the most frustrating. The wailing of some families, the sad, forlorn look of defeat of most. Parents, children, spouses, siblings and friends express extreme sadness of course. But the most common thing that makes it so difficult is the defeated look of failure. Expressions of what else could I have done, why did I not do more for them and how did I not see how bad this was are frequent and common. I went to work a few days after Amy’s death. A girl, 27, had just died. Her heart was twice the size it should be from methamphetamine use, the valves were covered with infection from dirty heroin needles, the infection was spreading rapidly into the whole heart muscle. Emergency open heart surgery to replace the valves and attempt to stop the spreading damage had not helped. The muscle of the heart was like shredded paper. It crumbled and tore with any attempt to put a new valve in place. She died under anesthesia. Her family in the waiting room. She will be buried with her stillborn child, the original reason for her admission to the hospital. It hits me each time similar circumstances arise that are newsworthy. This death will not make the news, no one will mourn and put flowers out on the street. Another member of the 27 club, but nobody will acknowledge her entrance. I often wonder why I care about these people. People I don’t know, rarely meet while they are awake and talking. I “meet” them when they are comatose, hanging on to life, losing the battle and at their lowest point in life. Some do not have anymore friends and family left. The bridges have been burned long ago. I wonder why their deaths are so very tragic to me. Maybe it is the throwaway attitude of society when it comes to the addicts. Maybe that is why they bother me. They and their friends don’t seem to care. I care. I care for the remaining friends and family who finally don’t have to wonder when that very much dreaded phone call will come. Yes, more people care than it appears. Even some you don’t even know or have ever met.

Hook, line and ….

Posted on by jouvarti
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I have done a few energy pulls. The first was with some needles and string in a classroom setting. Learning how to pierce the needle to perform a pull. The mechanics of doing one. I had only known Juju for a few weeks, just had talked a few times. We did an energy pull for a few minutes. I wasn’t sure what one was at the time. It was fun, not epiphany stuff, just a fun thing to try. Juju and I became friends after that. We became known in the community as the J’s squared shortly thereafter. I did another one at a play party. It was an unplanned thing. I was walking from one room to another. Nothing much going on. I was thinking of leaving. I was having a few personal issues, not really bdsm community related, more home stuff and trying to balance things. Making many decisions. My mindspace wasn’t on much of anything, I just wasn’t in the play mood. A friend came up and said “hey, want to try some hooks?” I didn’t really want to. I had done the needle pull, it was a very small needle. I like putting needles in other people, I am not opposed to them being done on me, it is just not my first choice in play. I like hard impact. Thuddy. Needles are more stingy type sensation. I will do them and like them, it just isn’t something I crave. It is more of an energy exchange for me. Hooks? They are a lot larger in size. I have seen the pictures of rituals with Native American hook pulls. It looked like way too much for me to take. I had to think about it for a while. I finally decided to try it and see if I could. It was amazing. I had four hooks put in, two in the front on my chest and two on my upper back. One person in the front pulling and one on the back pulling. A tug of war type pull. I think I was in sub space for days after. When we signed up for Thunder the option for a hook pull was open. The first 50 to sign up could do an energy pull with Cleo Dubois and Fakir Musafar. Of course we jumped at that! The pull was the last session of classes of the event. This Thunder was a very different one for me. The atmosphere was a little different. Things were a little stressful with us at home too, with the recent surgery, changes in normal life and cost of this trip at a time their were other issues needing money. The usual life stuff. This week end was a get away, but not as enjoyable as we had anticipated. This event was the final Thunder sponsored plan for us. Juju was not able to be one of the 50, but each participant could have one person in to watch the event. She was on the list to be inside to watch us. As she wanted to participate we were planning for and hoping someone wouldn’t show and she could sign up in their place. I am not sure if someone was a no show or not, but when she asked if she could participate instead of just watch, Cleo said “of course” and she was able to participate. The scheduled time for the event was a three hour block of time. The first 20 minutes was an introduction, explanation and the event and how it would happen. The feel of the room was the same as any other room full of strangers. People sitting in their seats, talking amongst their friends, not negative, but not a noteworthy energy feel. The piercers had stations set up, 7-8 stations with a table of two more putting the rope on the hooks after they were in place. The group opened a circle by getting into a large circle, holding hands making the circle complete. I had a hard time understanding Cleo when she spoke, she has a very strong accent and speaks very quickly. I can understand when a person has an accent or speaks quickly, but not when they do both. In reality, the words really didn’t matter as the energy was the goal. The feel of the room changed to a more, the only way I can explain would be a “oneness” and “equality”. Acceptance and love of all of the people in the room, with no feelings of one being better, more important, more knowledgeable more desirable, who you know, or who you don’t. Just people. Standing around in a large circle of about 75 people holding hands, the event was started. A ritual was performed of cleansing with sage and words, then the hands were released and we gathered our floggers. We flogged each other by making a train of Tutivillus, me and then Juju. Tutivillus flogged my back while I flogged Juju. After several minutes we turned and switched to have Juju flog me while I flogged Tutivillus. We were a ways to the front of the room where the booths were, but I decided I was done flogging and wanted to go see who the piercers were. We walked over there and a few were starting to go to their booths. People started lining up to become pierced as we got to the booths. Tutivillus and I were the first couple of people to be pierced. Juju decided that although she was in line first, she wanted to make sure their were enough hooks for everyone before she got hers. I went to an older man who was very ritualistic with his piercing. He performed it in steps and I didn’t feel it very much. A quick sharp sting. The next table had several people tying ropes and carabiners to the hooks. The carabiners were for connecting the rope to other peoples ropes and to objects for grounding. The room had a large open area and other areas of scaffolding with rope and carabiners. I went over to the scaffolding where Tutivillus was hooked onto a rail. He was pulling already. Grounding and getting used to the sensations. It takes a few minutes of adjusting to get the feeling from extreme pain, to the endorphin rush. I hooked onto a rope. It hurt like hell to pull back. I winced a few times, slowly easing into the pull. I was thinking a lot of things. Many emotions and thoughts. I wondered if this was a good thing for me, to pull and be this close in energy to others when I was feeling very down and out of sorts. My mind was swirling and I didn’t feel like I should be in this group. So much energy, so much acceptance and yet I was feeling very negative. I still don’t know why. I was with people I love, people I have fun with. People I want to be with. I was having a few days away from work, responsibilities and cares and yet I was not in a good mindset. I didn’t want to be an energy sapper. I tried a few times to hook in and below Tutivillus. He looked so peaceful, content. I had to unhook and move so I wouldn’t alter his energy. I finally just laid down and pulled. I wanted to purge my feelings, purge the negative thoughts. I couldn’t. I would alternate between feeling love and peace, to feeling negative and down. I went out into the open space and hooked onto one of the circles of people who were pulling together. Many different people hooked on or off the circles at times, people would pull for a while and dance. Then switch circles. Moving from group to group, pulling and dancing. Laughing and enjoying the mixed energy. Cleo walked around and would join circles, using a hitachi to vibrate the connecting ring so that everyone in the circle was receiving the vibration, Fakir joined circles, pulling sharply so the circle would be pulled abruptly across the floor. Sharp intense pain. I had to take time every so often to go back to the scaffolding to bring myself back to grounded. A centering of my thoughts and feelings. I was enjoying this pull, enjoying this sharing of energies. I still was trying to fully purge the negativity. It is hard to purge something you are unaware of the cause. I went to the scaffolding. I wanted a few minutes of just me and my feelings. I wanted to explore them. I didn’t like the negative me. I don’t know why I can’t accept all of the goodness in my life, and just enjoy it without worrying what could happen, what may transpire if x and or y were to happen. Petty stuff, not important or necessary. I began to feel the need to connect with those I care about. I went to Tutivillus and Juju. I wanted a three person pull with just us. I was able to finally just let go. The security of friends maybe. I just lost the emotions. I started crying, and I couldn’t stop. The emotions of the past were flowing. This was the meaning of life. Enjoyment and acceptance of all those you care about. I didn’t need to do any more pulling. I was done. We went over to have the hooks removed. We were able to get them removed as the three hour were approaching. The circle needed to be closed, the ritual needed to be done. Cleo and Fakir did the closing the circle ritual. We were the first few to have thee hooks removed and were able to leave as soon as the ritual was completed. We left and talked a little about our experiences. I am very glad to have been able to do this with Tutivillus and Juju. This makes me happy. This was such an awesome experience. I would jump at the chance to do this again!

Balance

Posted on by jouvarti
3

Saturday morning. Well afternoon now. A three day week-end. Monday is a Utah holiday. Cheesy, but gets me an extra day off! Pioneer day. Aren’t we all in some way pioneers? We forge ahead, finding our own way, what makes us happy. What makes us who we are. Some people suppress that and just exist. I cannot fathom just living to exist. No true happiness, no true knowledge of self. I recently have been feeling very off. Just restless and edgy. Not an uncommon thing I suppose, I have had periods like that off and on throughout life. Those are the times I change drastic things in my life. Sign up for college, buy a house, or move across country. I had no desire to change anything drastic this time so it just became worse. This restless not knowing what was off. Last Friday I decided to cash in on a gift card I had bought for next to nothing in a charity auction. It was at a salon I used to frequent. Not sure exactly what I was getting into as to what I had bought, but I made an appointment for the next day. Saturday. I arrive and am taken back to the spa area. The appointment was for a facial. I have had some of these before. Thought it would be nice, but never expected anything like the facial I received! I was given a robe and was told to change into the robe, I could leave my underwear on, and if I wanted my bra on, to tuck it under my arms. The esthetician was talking very modest like. Using very generic terms like privates and underclothes. Even referenced the possibility of my needing to remove the garments worn by the “special” – gag- people in the area. I just ignored that one as she was trying to be very politically correct. I went a changed and returned to the foyer of the spa. I was put into a chair with a foot bath in the front of it. She soaked my feet, washed them with sea salts, rubbed and lotioned them. Then she took me to another room. It had a massage table. She had me lay down on the table with a blanket covering me. She moved the blanket down to just above my breasts. She paused, I opened my eyes and looked up. She was looking at my hook piercing hole scars. She didn’t say anything, I didn’t offer explanation, but she did change her politically correct speaking to one of dirctness. In the previous room she had started tentatively saying chakra cleansing and watching my reactions while saying very elemental things as to what the chakras were. Her words now were not tentative and not explaining the chakras and how they work, just that she was going to do the cleansing and aligning. The room was quiet, dim lights and calm. She then started a scent journey. Trying a few chakra cleansing scents and having me pick the most cleansing and soothing. Although they all were nice, I picked the eucalyptus oil. It felt the most cleansing to me. She started by massaging my head, going to my shoulders and massaging down to my feet along the meridians of my body. the meridian massage was a light airy massage, only a few minutes on each side for the body and feet, then back up to the shoulders. She did some Reiki and more massage. I knew I was laying flat on the table but when she started I felt like my body was curled into a C to the right. I could feel the pull to center the more she massaged and moved. By the time she started cleansing my face I felt very centered and straight. I left for home after the session and a haircut feeling much better than I have in a very long time. I will definitely be doing this again!

Sticks and stones and floaty crosses

Posted on by jouvarti
4

The dungeon in the hotel for Thunder in the Mountains is large. Several convention rooms opening into one large room. There was scaffolding, St Andrews crosses, benches, tables, hanging bars, and crosses. Even a jungle gym type enclosure for rope suspensions. No chintzy air conditioners are used, it is very evenly temperatured. Cold. This is good if you are doing a scene and are becoming physical. Many people in one area rises the temperature also, cold temperatures are a must for comfort. Beginning a scene as the bottom, not so good! This dungeon is set up nicely. Easy to watch and meander through to observe many scenes without intruding on others. Friday night we went semi early. It opened at nine pm. We went at about ten thirty. We wanted to do a scene. I like impact; body punching, hitting and flogging. Tutivillus has recently had surgery. He is healing, but still on the mend so we haven’t played much for a month or two. This was his first really physical scene since the surgery. We picked a cross that was hanging from the ceiling. It looked really cool. Practical, I thought. It could swing and allow me to move and jump away from punches and sticks. Yes, this one will work nicely.
I slowly undress. I leave my rainbow thigh high gym socks on. The dungeon is cold, I do not do well with cold feet. I leave my underwear on. I am not sure why I am not comfortable with having them off. That has always been a hard limit for me. I might need to explore that some time. I take a look around. The dungeon is fairly active. Not crowded or uncomfortable, even a little slow for Thunder standards. It is early though. To alleviate his burn out factor from overdoing it too soon, and just because he is sadistic- Tutivillus has brought sticks. My two new sticks and his two new sticks. They are gorgeous and solid wood. Made by hand by a friend. We were able to watch him make one of them and had picture updates on the others. It is kind of like watching a behbe grow into a child. Except these children are for hurting people and causing pain. Better than labor!
The blindfold is put on. I request the blindfold for scenes. That is one thing that I do get to choose in a scene. I am able to lose myself and just experience. The blindfold is my minds switch to let go and just be. My wrists are bound with rope. Tied to the cross, above my head. Not too tight that it affects my circulation, but tight enough that I can’t get loose. My chains are also hooked to the cross, so I can hold onto them. The cold, smooth feeling of the chains comfort me during a scene. I like having them close. Another thing I get to specify in most scenes, my chains, my friends. I felt his hands on my back, then the coolness of the hard smooth stick rolling along my back and neck. Felt like a massage, a nice deep massage. Rhythmic hitting and slapping on my back started slowly, building up. The rhythmic beatings are peaceful. Moves me into a space in my head where I can let go of all the thoughts and to dos and doubts in my head. The only time my mind is clear and nothing is important except the sensations. I could do this for hours. The rhythmic crescendo of force. Thumping wood against soft skin and muscles. Wooden sticks do not leave many marks. They are deep muscle impact. The impact vibrates through the muscles. Not much bruising to the eyes, but deep pain for days to the slightest touch. Rhythmic beating. Alternating hands with sap gloves, sticks of various sizes and thickness. They are wonderful feeling, I love these sticks. I think I mention this out loud. It might be just a thought. I am never sure if my thoughts and words are in my head or if I say them out loud. I curse myself whenever I say something to the affirmative when I am being beat by a sadist. The rhythm changes abruptly, the implements are used a little differently. They are changed about and the sensations are magnified. Not only is my body jolted, my mind will do a snap to reality for a second while it adapts to the new sensations. I sometimes float away into places where I see and feel images, places, feelings and energy. I watch and feel and see events and people. I don’t interact, it is more a feeling that comes over me as to the event I am witnessing and attending. I am always in the event, a character in the situation, but they are mere flashes of the event, no interactions with the others. Almost like a still shot but the facial features change, clothes ripple in the wind, people will move in response to the feeling. Most of these have been sad events. Recalling the most memorable places I have gone, I don’t recall any that have been happy events. Yet I am still intrigued and want to stay in these places. Changing the tempo, intensity and energy of the beating will pull me out of the event. Back to reality for a moment, then off to another once the rhythm change is adapted to in my mind.I went many places in this beating. I have been very frustrated that I can’t remember much about them. Little fragments only. Just one was different. I remember a little more of this one than the others as it was very different. I interacted. And I was me. I saw a man, he was nondescript. I don’t remember how he looked, other than the feeling of him being wise. I wanted to go through the door. He said no, it wasn’t time. I began to argue. Wham, I am standing in the dungeon cursing to no end, kicking and trying to inflict harm. I was also worried about actually kicking and making contact and doing harm. Worrying about hurting the one who was hurting me was very interesting. Maybe that is the start of the syndrome with people who are kidnapped and start sympathizing with the kidnappers.
I am now angry. I am kicking and cursing and wanting this to stop and yet not wanting it to stop. I want to go somewhere else, I want to break loose. The floating cross is now not a good idea. I have no sight, the blindfold is still in place, I have lost the perception of where I am. Am I standing, or am I floating, am I facing north, south, east or west? The quietness of my mind is now against me. I feel off kilter in my ability to distinguish where anything is, where is the beating coming from. The closest thing I can think of is how it would feel to be in the ocean. No boat, just floating. After hours in the sun and miles and miles of water, the reflections are making a mirage of uncertainty. Then the stability. Tutivillus puts his arms around me, I think I say something, he asks if I am done. I say no. Just a break. I am not sure if I say we are done after a few minutes or not, I remember saying not yet when he asks if I am ready to go again. I remember being taken off the cross and the blindfold coming off. I pull the blanket over my eyes. The bright lights of the dimly lit dungeon are too much at first. I just lay in Tutivilluses arms for a while. I like that place. Laying with him, holding him close, feeling his touch.

Thunder and lightening?

Posted on by jouvarti
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I am on my way to work this morning. Returned home from Thunder in the mountains last night. Next vacation I am definitely scheduling a “return to normal and rest from the vacation day” day off. A quick note and hopefully a more detailed post or two before the remembrance of the scenes and experience start to fade and become fuzzy. I am a little disappointed in this years Thunder. I had a very nice time in some ways. Saw Juju and Aly. Sir Luke and Boy Tony. Met Jimijam- Very nice, but not as much time as I would have liked. Spent a lot of time with Tutivillus. I liked that, but not much play, nor socialization with others. I am not sure if the economy or the dates were the biggest issues. Last year I remember the sights and sounds. The full dungeons and the socialization and excitement in the air. People were smiling, laughing and happy to stop and greet you, talk and explain things. I saw ponies, and puppies and many other furries, fetish wear and leather. This year, not one pony. No furries. Very little leather. Last year, the instructors were seen in the lobby, the restaurants, the dungeons. Playing and socializing with the attendees. This year, not much costumery, not much laughter. The instructors were only seen by me in the classes. Not much play in the dungeons at the time I was in them. The excitement and genuinely just happy and wanting to get to know you, was not present. The group we attended with, our local community was very large last year. A lot smaller this year, and less social. No real gatherings and meet ups. A few parties in rooms, that was nice. So, my take? A very expensive week end of getting away with Tutivillus. While that was nice, I do love spending time with Tutivillus. I did purchase a few new toys- some awesome ones at that! I could have saved a lot of money and had a play party at home and taken a week off and stayed home with Tutivillus.
As for next year? We will see. It is a good time for me to go see some friends in Denver. I will give it another try, whether it is next year or not we will see!

Calm

Posted on by jouvarti
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Touch. Gentle, rough or somewhere in between. A barely there soft wisp or a well planned deep massage. I love to feel you touch me, I love to touch you. Fingertips sliding from the slight curve of your neck. Sloping gently to the rounded shoulder, slipping to your chest. Silky soft hair, tickles my fingers lightly. A few curl lazily around my fingers. Simply indescribable, but yet, just right.
Calming substances, hot tea, soft music, yoga and meditation. You are calming to me, like an herbal tea or a warm fuzzy blanket on a cool evening.